My little secret

I may not have told you this, and right now it's still kind of a secret until I know I can really, truly do it (I hear it takes 21 days to make a habit, which was true for exercise so I have my fingers crossed), but (whispering)

I'm seriously contemplating becoming a vegetarian. Shhh, don't tell anyone yet - especially Jared's work self, who might just come harass me.

No, don't worry - not a vegan. Certainly not a vegan, because that's just too masochistic. And why? I think those Vegans frown upon eating cheese, and that most certainly will not work.

The first I tried to become a vegetarian lasted one week. Exactly.

A few things prompted me to head down this deep, dark hole of self-introspection, but mainly I can think of two:

• A few months ago, Andy and I studied the Word of Wisdom and I realized I'm not following it very well. I don't eat meat "sparingly," or "only in the time of winter, cold, or famine."
• Also, I'm darn tired of biting into a meat-filled something, for instance a burrito, and chewing a big ol' chunk of gristle. It's just not at all delectable, and I have a hard time getting past it.

Now. This is very difficult to do, especially when you are married, such as I am, to a "meatarian." After Andy and I visited India, we realized that we eat a lot of meat, and that the meat in India grossed us out, and we were going to try to be vegetarian. We bought expensive frozen veggie burgers and everything. But when that turned out to be just Too Hard and most of the stuff was filled with soy, which we later learned can cause infertility in men (um, pass please!), we gave it up and went back to the bacon, a la Homer Simpson - "Mmmm....bacon."

But I just haven't felt right, colonically speaking, ever since I gave up being vegetarian. On the other hand, I didn't feel right when we tried being vegetarian either, and eating no meat. So, I've been pondering the idea for a couple of months now, wondering why. And how (and how!). How could I be a successful eater such that my colon doesn't spaz out on me (thank goodness I can work from home) and that I actually feel full? And get all the nutrients my body needs?

And then: in my inbox a few weeks ago was an email from Whole Foods, the Giant Loving Mother of All Foods Healthy and (mostly) Delicious. And the place where I want to live. The email contained many recipes using grains. Grains that had lots of protein. Like quinoa. And lentils. And other such food-type items that are difficult to both pronounce and find in a regular grocery store, like The Wal-Mart, causing you to go to upwards of two (two I tell you, two!) stores when you go grocery shopping. I am telling you, it takes great amounts of dedication to be a vegetarian.

And I started to think that maybe, perhaps this was what I overlooked during my first stint as a vegetarian: not enough grains (protein-filled). And not enough stick-to-it-iveness. And not enough creativity to figure out how to feed both a (kind of) vegetarian and a (very much so) meatarian.

So, I started again. Except this time, I eat fish. Like when Andy grilled steak on Sunday, I ate salmon. And when we had breakfast burritos for dinner, I strained the pork chunks out of my green chile sauce. I tell you what, I am a very committed almost-vegetarian. Even though my strainer was too small, so there were still a few chunks of meat in there, but I tried to pick them out, so I think it's okay. And when we had Chinese food, I ate only the shrimp in my pan-fried noodles. And a lot of noodles - it's okay! They were not composed of any meat product whatsoever. And when Andy ate leftover Chinese food, I had a BLAT (A stands for avocado). Two, actually. Wait - B is for bacon, which is meat, you say? Crap. So I'm not a perfect vegetarian. But I'm trying.

I'm not doing this because I feel bad for meat that starts out as happy smiling animals (or scared, crazy-eyed animals for that matter). Although I do. It's really sad when you learn how the animals are treated. At least try to eat free-range meat. Meat that was happy and grazing in a lovely meadow before it became the meat on your plate.

And I know the Word of Wisdom says to eat meat "sparingly." (Remember? I mentioned that above - I know it says sparingly.) In fact, I might still eat a little meat, if it sounds good. But for now, it doesn't really sound good, so I'm eating fish, fruits and vegetables, and grains. And M&M's, the much overlooked and unacknowledged other food group.

Someday I'll find the right balance, but for now, I'm just trying to eat in a way that makes my body happy. Colonically speaking, of course.

Thank goodness vegetarians can eat doughnuts! Mmmm...doughnuts.