Choosing an arch-nemisis is never an easy thing to do

When it comes to having an arch-nemisis, you want to make sure you pick a good one. Like those Dalmations. They picked a great arch-nemisis, who really gave those cute spotted dogs a run for their money. Now didn't she?

I only know of one other person (besides myself, of course) who has an arch-nemisis. If you already have one, (publicly proclaimed or secretive), you will be familiar with how to pick a good one. If you do not already have one, allow me to offer you some extremely useful tips when choosing an arch-nemisis. Because we all know that everyone needs an arch-nemisis in order to live a full and balanced life.

An arch-nemisis may or may not, depending on who the nemisis is nemis-ing, have any or all of the following characteristics. When choosing your arch nemisis, please ensure that potential said nemisis has at least two (2) of the following characteristics:

a) A gratingly high voice, much akin to an evil cackle.

b) The propensity to proclaim to one and all throughout the land that she (or I suppose he, if you must choose a he as your arch-nemisis) knows all, when really, you and I both know that she (or he) does not.

c) The incessant need to pontificate wildly about the room each time a public meeting is held. Said pontifications entrance those in her (or his) presence to the point where she (or he) becomes much like The Pied Piper and those in the room are the mice. And they follow her (or him) right off a cliff. Or into a disastorous and expensive business situation and you are left to pick up the pieces with people asking questions like, "Why did this happen? It makes no sense. Such and such said this would work!" When all along you knew that would happen, despite such-and-such's pontifications to the contrary.

d) Is much skinnier than you. Even after having a bazillion children. Or even after not having a bazillion children - it only matters if it matters to you.

e) Asks you to do something and tells you how great you will be at it, and then goes back to redo it just because she (or he) was worried it wouldn't get done right. And then lets everyone know she (or he) did it, confusing all in the land.

f) Responds to your email inquiries with snotty comments that start something like, "This is why..." and ending in multiple exclamation points. And cc'ing your manager or the person in charge, I presume to get you into trouble.

g) Wears a goatee minus the moustache, much akin to Ye Olde Non-Beards that people wore in the Days of Yore when Brigham Young was in charge of the Mormons.

h) The ability to incite in you the desire to wave your fist wildly about in the air while shouting, "I'll get you for this, you evil arch-nemisis, you!" Or some similar exclamation.

i) An evil laugh delivered while steepling the fingers together. The laugh will usually go something like this: "Mwa ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha. Mwa ha ha."

For example, I have several arch-nemises. One displays characteristics b, c, g, and h. Another displays characteristics b, d, f, and of course, h. Yet another nemisis does e and f on a regular basis. I think all three have done i at one point in time. And thus I know I have done a terrific job of choosing an arch-nemisis, because I have not one, dear readers, but three of them!

Now. What if you are having trouble choosing an arch-nemisis because you are just generally an all-around nice person who looks for the good in all humankind? To that I say, "Liar!" Just kidding. If you are having trouble choosing an arch-nemisis then you probably shouldn't read my blog because I choose and even switch them out on a regular basis, much like I used to choose and change the outfits on my paper dolls as a little girl.

And then: What if you choose an arch-nemisis, and she (or he) turns out to really be a nice person, albeit deep down inside? Keep looking - it's probably waayyy deeper than that. Well, that's okay. Even nice people can be someone else's arch-nemisis. In fact, I consider myself to be a very nice person, despite my blog postings of complaint and general unhappiness, and I am fairly certain I am someone's arch-nemisis.

But at least I don't have a weird non-moustache-goatee hybrid.

Do you have a nemisis? What does she (or he) do that made you choose her (or him) to hold that special arch-nemisis place in your heart? Or are you someone else's nemisis? What did you do that made them choose you to hold that special place in their heart?