A few uncomfortable conversations (mostly started by me)

"Andy," I said last night, "When we went home teaching at the H's house and they had that double-wide chair (bigger than a chair, smaller than a loveseat) for us to sit in together...well...did that make you just the tiniest bit uncomfortable?"

"It only makes me uncomfortable when I sit in it with Greg." (Greg was Andy's home teaching companion who recently moved, which explains why I am now his home teaching companion. And with whom he has never actually shared the chair.) "Why? Did it make you uncomfortable?"

"A little bit, yes. But not physically uncomfortable. It made me feel ever so slightly emotionally uncomfortable."

"To clarify: It made my wife emotionally uncomfortable to sit in a double-wide chair so close to her husband?"

"Hmmm...yes. I'm not sure why though, but I am supposing it made me uncomfortable that they just assumed we would want to sit squished in a barely-big-enough-for-two-people chair such that my shoulders would be pushed in and I would have to sit hunched over while my legs fell asleep because it was impossibly uncomfortable to keep crossing and un-crossing and re-crossing them. Or maybe it was because I was marinating in the fresh steak marinade that soaked the front of my dress in the car as we drove their dinner over to them. Anyway. What if we wanted separate chairs? They never even asked. They should have asked. Of course I would have said yes, but that is beside the point. And it's not because I don't like sitting near you. It's because I don't like being uncomfortable - physically or emotionally."

"I'm uncomfortable knowing that sitting that close to me made you emotionally uncomfortable. Let's go get some doughnuts." And we did.

* * *

"I work next Tuesday and Wednesday just so you know. I'm working with people modeling underwear." (Guess who started this conversation. Wrong. It was Andy.)

"I'm uncomfortable with you working with half-naked models all day long. Half-naked and in their underwear."

"I'm uncomfortable with that too. There are going to be half-naked guys there! I don't want to look at half-naked guys."

"So...if there weren't half-naked guys there, you wouldn't be uncomfortable? Which means that if they were all half-naked ladies, you would be completely comfortable?"

"Yes!" (Resounding and enthusiastic.)

"I'm uncomfortable that you're shooting half-naked ladies in their underwear."

"I won't be shooting them."

"Wait! What? Then...you'll be putting microphones in their cleavage?" (Because everyone knows that a woman's cleavage is the best place to hide a microphone. Unless you're me, and then sorry! Mic will be utterly and completely visible. Don't worry, I'm not sad or embarrassed. It's just a fact. Question: Is it okay to talk about cleavage on a blog my mother reads?)

"No, we won't have audio. It's just a photo shoot."

"Then why are you there? You're an audio guy. Are you just going so you can look at half-naked ladies in their underwear?"

"It's really low-budget. So....can you even imagine what these models look like?"

"Just promise me you won't think they're prettier than me."

"Done."

* * *

"My mom said Ethan's baby is super cute." (Andy's brother and his girlfriend just had a baby boy. I'm not at all surprised he's super cute.)

"I'm sure he is. But don't worry, our kids are going to be cuter. I just know it."

"How do you know?"

"Because everyone I know told us we are going to have beautiful children. Someday. And I believe them."

"Well, usually good looking people have funny looking kids." (Which, technically, I know is not true, because we have many beautiful friends with beautiful children. But this does not stop the myth from being Out There.)

"Hmmm... Maybe that's why we'll have cute kids?"

"Did you just call me ugly?"

"Technically, I said both of us are non-cute. Ish."

"Oh. Well. That's really not any better. Let's just go eat our doughnuts." And we did.

* * *

"When we have kids, they won't look like me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because look at all those kids on Jon and Kate + 8 (I'm obsessed with TV shows about women who give birth to innumerable amounts of children. TLC is a good channel for these shows). They have a white lady mom and a half-Asian dad - just like us! And none of those kids look like their mother! Not that I'm dissing your Asian heritage or anything. I'm not. It's just that the Asian gene is highly dominant, you know." (I didn't really say "dissing." I thought it though. Then I didn't say it because it felt wrong, like when a missionary returns from Chile and sounds weird speaking English with a Spanish accent. Just something sounds...not quite right.)

"I'm sorry."

"I kind of am too. I have some good features that would be nice to see on our kids. Like, I have nice feet."

"And also your face."

That Andy. He sure does know how to save us from my uncomfortable-ness. Thank heavens because that was almost more uncomfortable-ness than a person can stomach in one night.