While in the breakroom at work today warming up my lentil soup, I caught sight of a menacing letter taped to the giant stainless steel refrigerator. It read something to the effect of:
WARNING!
There is a Fridge Thief in our midst. I have had several sodas stolen out of my bag over the last few days, and I am not happy about it.
I want you to know that this is stealing, and it will not be tolerated. I will call Corporate Security when I find out who you are.
Even though I am not the Fridge Thief and have nothing to refute, I am thinking I should respond also via a letter taped to the fridge. If I were to write such a letter it would read something like this:
ATTENTION!
Maybe you shouldn't put things in your lunchbag that others will want to steal. This is precisely why I bring lentil soup, apples, dry wheat crackers, and fine foreign cheeses for my lunch (all of which I buy in bulk at The Greatest of All Stores Ever, Costco). No one wants to touch that stuff! Including my husband, who I am forever trying to convince to eat in a healthful manner for his own general well-being in addition to my own peace of mind.
And by the way, I would not tolerate someone stealing my soda either - soda is delicious and lovely to drink while eating lentil soup and dry wheat crackers. Unless you are drinking cream soda (of any brand), in which case I would think you would praise heaven that someone took the wretched poison from your sack.
At one of the many and numerous jobs I have worked in the years since I left graduate school, I was once upon a time a Fridge Thief. I will tell you the story.
I was so very sick and on the verge of going blind and passing out due to the insanely painful migraine that was striking my head, just behind my eyes. I so desperately wanted to avoid this, as embarrassing and unhappy things happen when I pass out, which you will never know unless you call me and ask me. Then, of course, I will be happy to tell you if, and only if, you swear to a vow of secrecy.
Anyway. At this point (the point of being on the verge of passing out, not the point of telling you my passing-out secrets), I remembered two important pieces of information:
- If I catch the migraine early enough, food can help it go away.
- I stored some string cheese in the refrigerator several days prior and I should go eat it, because it was early enough to fix the migraine.
So. I went to the fridge, took the string cheese back to my desk, opened it, and ate it. Upon throwing the wrapper into my trash can, I noticed a first string cheese wrapper already in there.
Of a different brand. Now. I feel it imperative to inform you that I do not make it a habit to purchase string cheeses of various brands purely for my amusement, or actually, at all.
At this point in the story, the pounding had left my head, and I came slowly to the realization that I was a Fridge Thief! I had stolen some poor, unsuspecting soul's string cheese with nary a thought that I had already eaten my string cheese and this string cheese might not be mine. (In case you are wondering, I am trying to go for the world record for using "string cheese" the most times in one sentence.)
Utterly freaked out and unsure of what to do next, I promptly quit my job and started another one, located miles and miles away from the scene of the crime. To my knowledge, I have not yet been reported to Corporate Security. Or perhaps I have been reported, but there is still a warrant out for my arrest.
Which begs the question, are YOU a Fridge Thief?
6 comments:
Hey, Lish, I nominated you for a blog award! Look at my post entitled "Aw Shucks."
Lish, string cheese is considered communal unless the owner "dibes" it by autographing the wraper!
This is clearly outlined in the "break room etiquette for dummies" manual.
Typically this manual is found at the back of the fridge behind/under the Tupperware filled with mystery meat, and next to the leaking grocery bag of reek, slime and despair.
Besides it was an emergency!!!!
Oh. Forgot to comment on your post itself. I love that - record for using the word "string cheese" so many times in a sentence. :) Nope, never was a fridge thief. Nothing ever, ever looked good enough to me. Other peoples' leftovers kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies.
this is hilarious. I almost want to put copies of both letters on my fridge for laughs. My break room was never so colorful, usually some old lade snoozing on the couch though.
This takes me back to the days of roommates. Remember when you opened the fridge and every single item had someone's initials on it?
The break room at Z.C.M.I. was so scary that the visual department bought our own mini-fridge. :) Everyone thought we were such divas when really we were just trying to protect our lunches.
Yes. I have theived from the fridge. The few times I've done it, I've done after seeing a can of soda sit there in the door of the fridge for weeks. Is someone waiting for a good day to drink their soda? Is that good day coming after spring? Did that soda belong to an employee who has quit their job because they were running away from the shame string cheese theft?
Either way, after I've looked at a Diet Dr Pepper every day for 4 months, it becomes mine.
Also, I've stolen a few sugarless jello cups out of the fridge for patient food.
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