It has now been 50 hours since I have seen my baby.Andy dropped me off at the airport Sunday afternoon at 1:00, and it is the first time I have not had Max with me since he was conceived. I carried him for nine months inside of me and for three months outside of me.
Now he is not here, and I feel somewhat lost.
Don't get me wrong; being in Denver for work is nice. It's nice to see my co-workers and friends. Get a pedicure at my regular salon and eat at my favorite restaurants. I almost feel like a regular childless person again.
Almost.
There is still this: my arms feel empty, like empty-empty, like I'm missing some extension of them. You'd think they would be lighter than air not lugging an almost-12-pound baby around, but instead they hang by my sides, heavy with the sadness of not being able to hold him. And unsure of how to make themselves useful. What did I do with my arms before I held a baby all day? I don't remember.
And this: my ears continue to strain for his cry, but they don't hear it.
Oh, and definitely this: I wake up every three hours at night, ready to nurse him and cuddle him back to sleep, but am greeted instead by my pump and a stiff hotel chair instead of our comfortable rocker.
I know leaving Max is not the end of the world. When we moved to Utah, I knew that traveling for my job was inevitable. I know Max is in excellent hands, receiving superior care - his daddy takes such great care of him. (Almost better than me, I think, since feeding issues have almost diminished in my absence. What the heck?) I have no doubt we will all survive this three-day separation.
But I don't have to like it.
At least I know Andy is not leaving him in pajamas all day. He sent me a picture as proof. He even put together a pretty good looking outfit, if I do say so myself.And oh yes! I miss Andy too, not just Max. But it's different - Andy hasn't been fully dependent on me for a year. He's pretty good about taking care of himself. Plus, we've been apart before - we've got that down, old hat.
But not me and Max. This is our first.
And I just have to make it about 27 more hours.
2 comments:
sad you are apart.. but love the pics of him!! Let me know if you find your self rocking back and forth..or swaying side to side when you don't even have a baby in your arms.. thats motherhood for you!! Sounds like you are doing a great job at it!!
I don't know how you are doing it. That would be so hard. I know Max is missing you too. No matter how great dad's are, no one can snuggle like a mom!
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